Have you ever admired and looked up to somebody so much that it physically hurts? Whenever you think about them or see one of their works, there's an ache deep inside of your body that cannot be healed. When somebody mentions them, your whole world stops for a fragment of a second and just for a moment you forget how to breathe. You know everything about them, bordering on obsession. You swear that if you ever meet this person, you'll die. You shake with excitement, palms sweat, words cannot be formed at a mere glimpse of this person in the newspaper or in a magazine.

For me, this is a daily occurence with two people. I will not say who those two people are; I'd like to leave something to the imagination. Is there a cure for this? Is their medication that I can take to stop deep, deep admiration? The answer is no. The most I can do is live with this plague of inspiration.

rest in peace.

The first celebrity death of 2010 occured today. The body of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson was found unresponsive in her home early this morning. She was only thirty years old and leaves behind an adopted daugher named Ava, not to mention her fiancee, Tila Tequila. She had also just left a rehabilitation center, where she was trying to stop her excessive drug use.

Casey may not have been a big name, and she may have had her troubles (drug use and the aforementioned rehab, public feuds with former girlfriends) but her death is still sad nonetheless. At thirty years old, she had so much more to live for: her daughter, her fiancee, bettering her life and straying away from drugs. My heart goes out to Tila, Ava and Casey's entire network of friends and family. May she rest in peace.

So it begins, 2010. What other tragic deaths shall you bring us? 2009 is known by myself and my friends as the most morbid year of the decade, and I had prayed for 2010 to be better. So far, I do not think that's working.

I'm sitting all alone in my house. My parents are at work, my siblings at school. The dogs are outside tumbling around in the newly fallen snow, coating their fur with white powder. The phone is ringing off the hook; colleges calling for my brother. He just turned seventeen and hasn't even begun to think about his future. He's not like me.

My sister isn't like me either. She's fourteen, fifteen in a matter of days. She's the number one source of drama in my household. ADHD combined with bipolar disorder isn't fun. My parents don't know how to deal with her, especially when she refuses to take her medication. As much as I hate Cortland, I'm glad I'm not home all the time. Being home stresses me out.

I'll be home in the fall, though. I'm coming back to community college. Goodbye, Cortland and hello, stress. I'm finally going to pursue what I really want, and if I have to go to BCC to do that, then so be it.